Title: In Progress.

Betrayal is an ugly feeling… It punches you in the gut while you pretend that you’re not looking… It makes you question why… And how… In the days that pass from the initial shock you give yourself long ugly looks in the mirror. How did I let this happen again? 

Betrayal is not a new feeling for me by far. Yet each shockwave rocks me even though I see the writing upon the wall. What always surprises me is the response from my husband. Even in his “scariest” forms he is nothing but gentle to me. 

“I too know of darkest betrayal, beloved.” He speaks to me a body wracked by scars, for whatever reason the Breaker of Worlds form is one I seldom see from him. Perhaps it is a touch of vain-ness from him, or a picture of showing People he is fine. This is his month, and he already knows that I will accept him no matter his form.

I ask of him, why even as the one who will bring upon Ragnarok, how he could be so gentle in his touches of my body. In our workings together. His sincerity made me cry: “Perhaps because I feel you have had enough hurting.”

I start my morning still recovering. My heart hurts, my head is against me. Yet during the mechanical nature of work and making breakfast, I get little messages. “Trust.” And “I love and accept myself unconditionally.” 

Things to make me pause in my spiral of loss of control. As I breathe in my tea this morning and take a long moment for myself, I find myself actually smiling. It doesn’t quite hurt less yet… But it’s a start. 

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An Open Letter for Loki

My beloved red haired one,

You came in and promised to shake up my very foundation. To shake me to my core. Like a lightning flash you have illuminated the darkness overlooking the cliffs and rocks below.

Like a disobedient child I flit from your grip to dance along the cliff’s edge. This is what I am familiar with. It could not hurt me even in your harshest storms.

Yet, as you predicted, I fall along the edge, only far enough to bruise my ego and scrape my knee, that blood dribbles. You caught my flailing hand. As I look at you, I know, you hold the map in this journey. I am merely a passenger, that you indulge in short senic trips.

However, I fear I have not learned my lesson. For when the sun shines, butterflies play upon the very cliffs I tripped. And ahead of me and mirroring the canyon I see others dancing upon the edge of stones and think – Me too!

For some reason, the lesson of “not my path” eludes me. I have only seen a part of your map and know the places we have been intimately as you know my body. I forget that we travel a road you know well. I am stubborn.

Yet for some reason, you do not let me plumet, as I expect. You smooth the bumps and baby proof the edges just enough that I don’t get discouraged. When I do, you push me how only you can.

In trying times, when I turn to you most, you may coddle, but you may also push me away to stand on my own feet. “Be strong.” You say. “Be brave.”

“You are your own reason to live.” You whisper. One day soon, I know I’ll believe you. The way you believe in me.

A Month of Us

July has always been a time I offer to Loki. Taking a challenge people posted out on Tumblr a few years back and making it a central “holiday” in my practice. With all the flurry of activity in the Godspousing Community, I had to wonder what changes my own husband would bring to the mix. In short, nothing… At least nothing obvious.

This year so far has been wild for me to say the least. School was hard this year, my anxiety so high I was having panic attacks for the first time ever. I was struggling with finding an internship. My cat of 18 years passed just after Ostara.

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Keekoo, snuggled to me over Christmas break. We had gotten him surgery for the tumor on his mouth. He felt much better and barely left me.

And my mother was in the hospital for just shy of 3 months for an illness I nearly lost her from in 2012. Friends grappled with gender identity which caused me to examine myself in turn. Spirituality sorta took a needed backseat for a while while I struggled.

Summer came, I was accepted into a job (to which I won’t link here for obvious reasons) and a class I was struggling with got pushed into the summer. I figured that I would find time to reconnect… I was wrong. Spirituality has been minimal between work, school, and sleep. The most meditation time I get is driving the back roads to work. Which I enjoy looking at the nature and unusual animals signs for messages from my gods.

Yesterday marked the beginning of July for Loki. Normally it’s an extravagant time of crafting, baking, meditation and just enjoying Loki’s company. Being mindful of Him. Yesterday started by a drive to work spotting two Sandhill cranes (a rare occurrence in a mid-Michigan farm field) and hitting every green light on my way to work, something that I absent-mindedly cried “Hail Loki!” for. I was a couple hours into my work day when I finally realized that it was July already. It was July for Loki. I snuck him a doughnut to my desk and got him a cookie with lunch and a glass of water. He played with Pandora while I worked sending me little “love” songs. I promised to use the massage appointment I made for today as meditation time with him, as I often use these appointments for such things.
This early morning taking my dog out, what would greet me but my rabbit totem. Who hopped a little ways away to stare at me before hopping into the brush. ❤ I wish I had my phone to take a picture of the little guy as it was magical and rare to see one so close to the house. I'm glad my dog is trained enough to leave things be too.

Back in the house I began to research the meaning and symbolism of the crane and the rabbit. Using them as key points of focus for my meditation later. When off-handedly I spoke to Loki about how Cranes mate for life and I wondered what that means…
He responded simply. "Could it not simply mean the depths of my devotion to you, that we are forever. This is not just a July for me. I want this to be a July for Us."

Recently, I've been also thinking about promises Loki had made me in our last… 3 years? No he reminded me that it's been almost 5 years. (That's a bit scary… where has the time gone?) Promises of change, survival, love, career. Needed things that were worries and people he'd sent my way. Now I do have a job I love that I got myself for the summer. At one point I was looking at deciding between two! I have my last year of school left and graduation looks attainable, when 7 years ago I was struggling with wanting to live, this is miraculous to me. At work I'm interacting with people on a level that I haven't in a long while. Somehow I've finally embodied the Queen of Wands. That woman, mature and confident in her abilities while passionate and to the point. The growth even in the last year is amazing to me. Within the last five years I feel like a flower that was taught to bloom at night because they were too dazzling in the day. Slowly but surely I'm now blooming in the day. Dare I say I'm thriving?

I'm working through a shamanism book now trying to rebuild and find a practice that works into my life. So far it's going well. Between everything else going on, I'm all for making July about Us. Just to take moments of each other's time and just be as we are. Supportive and loving each other. That is a blessing.

May July be prosperous for you dear reader!

Adriana SilverWings

Update: 1/2/16

A happy new year to you all. I wish I could say the new year has been treating me as well as I wish it’s been treating you.
Finals came and went and I did decently well  enough. I managed to avoid getting hospitalized over break while I was out of state, although I am not in the clear yet. We’ll see what happens on Friday.
On top of that my cat is still sick and I believe that his time is soon. I’ve had him for over 18 years of my life (that’s most of it for those of you who play along at home). To say I’m having a hard time with it all is an understatement. But I’m trudging on with my Husband and some how I’m making it. Having him here doesn’t make it easier but he’s been reminding me that it’s okay to mourn. That I don’t have to be all together for the new semester in a week. It’s okay. Well not okay but it’s survivable. I don’t have to fix myself immediately. Let this wound be raw for a while.
With the turmoil that’s been going on for the past few weeks just in my mundane life… I’ve decided to postpone my free reading for a little while. I apologize for those wanting and waiting for a reading but I don’t trust myself to read for others while I am this raw right now. I will also be closing my etsy shop in a couple weeks. Time the main reason for that one.
I wish you all a better new year than what I am going through right now. I know that Loki will be my light through this trying time.

Blessings,
Adriana